Salacious Advice: My GPS is the Top from Hell

Dear Salacious Advisors,

When I read the Salacious Magazine call for participation in your upcoming sci-fi issue, I thought maybe you could help me.  I know this sounds bizarre but I feel like I’m locked into an unhealthy sexual relationship with my GPS. Sometimes I’m totally in love with her.  She takes me where I want to go and I get tingly when she orders me around.  But then suddenly she’s led me somewhere scary—not in a good way—and I can’t make her stop. When things like that happen, I want toss her out, but I know I’d be lost without her.

What’s wrong with me? Ordinarily, I love to be topped and I think I’m pretty good at it.  I’m also pretty good at getting myself out of bad relationships. But this one, I can’t fix or quit. Salacious Advisors, can you help?

Troubled Over Petrifying Machine Experience

Dear TOP ME,

The root of the problem isn’t with you.  It’s with people in technology design who don’t see why kink wisdom should be considered integral and invaluable to their thinking.  True, the GPS has something like a safe word.  You can “seek alternate route” or turn it off.  But having a safe word without a safe exit strategy is a problem—ask anyone who’s been abandoned at the side of the road after refusing holes or head to the person with the car keys. Plus, GPS technology doesn’t allow for the kind of conversation you’d want to be having with a new partner or partners where you talk about the tastes, limits, and boundaries of everyone involved. But your GPS should and it could make some of that happen.  It already knows what time it is, it could easily know the date, and it knows how to find “attractions.” So you should be able to program the equivalent of “no back roads after dark if possible” or “keep me off Route 2 during hunting season” or “take me by a nice service station every two hours so that I don’t have to dirty these gorgeous heels by trekking into the woods or an alley to pee.”  If GPS designers had thought through the ethics and etiquette of topping, we’d already have those features.

While we wait for the upgrade—which they should offer for free since they blew it in the first place—you can use your bottoming experience to approximate the prequel you’d like to have with a human top. (And by the way, thanks for nudging readers to remember that bottoming is an active, skilled practice as opposed to something that happens to you while tops do all the work.) Maybe you ordinarily like to experience a mini-version of what might come later; hold me down before you tie me up.  Then try the GPS out on some short trips first.  Maybe you like to try out a top on familiar pleasures before embarking on something new.  Then have her take you somewhere you can find already. See if she follows a route that you like—or if she takes you on an exciting new route you’ve never considered but that you could still navigate your way out of.  If you are satisfied with the prequels, give the GPS a go for longer trips and new places.  When “where are you taking me!?” starts feeling like the thrill of anticipation, give yourself up to her and let her take you to heaven.

But never totally let your guard down.  Unlike people wrongly mistrusted, misjudged, and mislabeled for being, say, undocumented by the nation-state, your GPS truly is and will remain an “alien,” one whom you need to view with a bit of suspicion.  So if she’s taking you somewhere you’ve never been with her before, use the cautions you’d use with a human stranger: tell a friend what you’re doing and text when you get there.

Meanwhile, hang in there for our Sci-Fi issue. It’s coming next year.  And while you’ve got a mind to submit, think about submitting to us.  The deadline is September 15th (, so by then you might have quite the happy travelogue to share.


About salaciousmagazine

Katie Diamond is an artist, activist, do-gooder, sex-geek, feminist queer with a penchant for ink pens and comix with an x.
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