Dear Salacious Advisors,
I am a genderqueer mostly dyke who finds hirself mostly attracted to straight guys who for all I know date female bodied people who identify as girls. What to do? Am I destined for solitary life?
Not Optimistic Going Into Romance/Lust
Dear NOGIRL,
Cheer up. Your prospects are much better than you imagine for a very simple reason. Straight guys aren’t always that straight in the ways that “straight” is traditionally defined. If they were, bend-over-boyfriend videos would be the rare DIY find in some hypocrite Tea Partier’s attic, not a Wikipedia entry. In fact, straight guys suffer from the same inaccurate reputation plaguing women who had “lesbian sex” in the 1970s. People assume they have a preferred repertoire of one or two tedious positions: the straight guys only want to get on top and pound you and the lesbians only don’t. But really, all human beings have a lot more going on, at least in their fantasy lives, than the limiting categories they go by may suggest.
With a lot of straight guys, then, the fact that you don’t identify as a girl may be the opposite of a deal breaker. But if the guy of your dreams hasn’t yet imagined himself with a “genderqueer mostly dyke,” then you need grab his attention for long enough to show him that you can rock his world. How you do that depends on your own limits and desires. Do you ever or often enjoy stereotypically “straight girl” acts, personas, or outfits? If that’s what the guy’s into, you might lure him with the familiar and then introduce more sides of you—and of him. But even if you embody and project superqueer 24/7 from the hairdo down, it still might not take so much. Remember that guy in “Hillbilly Bone” who took his New Yorker friend out “honky tonkin’”? The next thing you know the friend was deep enough into mainstreamed country music to be able to quote Blake Shelton (featuring Trace Adkins) on a queer porn blog. As it happens, that ability can come in handy, since that guy-on-guy duet expresses precisely the attitude you want to excite: “all you need is an open mind/If it fires you up you gotta let it shine.” Of course, whether you’ve got fool’s gold or queer glitter in that shine remains to be seen, but it’s definitely worth a try!
e.r
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I disagree with the recommendation that you should try to snare a date by projecting something that does not represent you. As a genderqueer who frequently finds herself on either end of the gender continuum (I am a drag king with a vast and deeply set streak of femininity) who is also attracted to men, I know whereof I speak. I have often lost contact with people that see me in one likeness and then later realize that I am as switchy as they come. That hurts, but I find consolation in my partners who tell me my diversity is what attracts them.
I do agree that many men sport a label that does not necessarily provide a comprehensive definition of all of their interests. I think therein lies the problem on both sides. Assumptions are being made across the board about both straight men and genderqueer dykes. When the men and the dykes meet, neither of them think that they have a chance with the other. Therefore, if you want men to know that they have a chance, you have to tell them that there is potential in the same way feminine looking dykes must advertise their devotion to women. Furthermore, if you want others not to make assumptions about you, it is only fair then that you do not make assumptions about them. You will find that many straight men fit the stereotypical bill, but every once in a while, you will find the diamond in the rough who would love nothing more than to have a chance with you.
In my ideal world, everyone acknowledges that they are queer, and for me queer does NOT mean homosexual. It simply means that we are complicated, and not defined by one sexual interaction or even ten years of sexual tendencies. In that same utopia, the collective knowledge on gender, sex, and sexuality is what gender theorists have known for years: they are separate entities! Until that perfect day comes when we stop making assumptions about sexual orientation based on appearances, you need to let your own voice drown out the stereotypes associated with your image. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, go out there and change yourself to snag a date. That will only lead to disappointment on all sides.
Thanks for your comment. Here is one reply from someone who wants to remain anonymous.
“I’m not sure that e.r said anything to NOGIRL about changing hirself for the straight guy, but rather postulated that it might be fun to play with “stereotypically ‘straight girl’ acts” if in fact the interest was there…
With that said there are certainly other ways for a “genderqueer mostly dyke” to attract the potentially hillbilly bone of a straight guy. As a genderqueer dyke myself I’ve done this unintentionally, and been pleasantly surprised with some of the unexpected graveyard sex that ensued. Some straight guys are not the least bit genderqueer phobic, and rather have proven to be quite hot for the genderqueer dyke, going so far as to even seek out mostly genderqueer partners. Like any kink, quirk, or specific quality one may seek in a partner, there are certainly people that embody these qualities. We must be as open minded as we want our partners to be in order to notice the genderqueer philic straight guy when he’s making eyes at you. Take him dumpster diving for treehouse wood in your pickup truck in the middle of the night and you might even entice him out of his pants…and into your boxers.”